The Circus : 無料・フリー素材/写真
The Circus / SLR Jester
| ライセンス | クリエイティブ・コモンズ 表示 2.1 |
|---|---|
| 説明 | Summersome ward. A cancer ward. I had an isolation room. I had been staring out of the window for what seemed like hours. I had been a patient here for so many days now that I had lost count. The rain was falling lightly on the windows, that fluffy rain that anyone with long hair dreads as it turns the hair frizzy. Not heavy enough to really warrant an umbrella, just a misery to endure if caught out in it. In short; a pain in the arse.There was a quiet knock on my door and it was gently pushed open and in walked one of the ward doctors. I hadn’t spoken to him before but had seen him doing the rounds on the open wards. From what I understood he was the senior doctor. He lifted my notes from the bottom of the bed and read them, turning over each sheet and studying it. Glancing up at me every now and then and smiling before returning to the reading. He was a kind looking man, tall and thin with combed back jet black hair. His medical coat white and crisp, a single pen in the breast pocket. “Good afternoon Jack, you won’t remember me from seeing you in critical care. I’m Dr Crusic, I’m the senior doctor on these wards. How are you feeling?”I was always cautious of anyone introducing themselves with ‘you won’t remember me but…’. This was normally my subconscious warning me that the following experience was simply a morphine induced fantasy, an hallucination normally so real you could reach out to touch the people. Of course, you were never given the chance so the illusion remained. “I’m okay I think. No real pain, still can’t sleep at night but that’s down to missing my duvet and the noises. How are you?” I asked.He looked up from reading and smiled, replacing the notes on the bar of the bed, he slowly walked over to the chair in my room.“I am very well thank you for asking, do you mind if I sit down?”“I don’t mind at all please do” I gestured towards the chair with my open hand.He sat down, opened his mouth to speak and then paused before leaning towards me, hands clasped in front of him. In my business we call this foreshadowing. Despite his friendly, calm demeanour I was getting an uncomfortable feeling. “Jack, you have responded really well to the chemotherapy so far. The diabetes issues I am working closely with the hospital team to find the best solution for you. We need to determine whether you are type one or type two. It’s still unclear” he explained.His head was cocked slightly to the side, a warming smile as he unclasped his fingers and brought them up to his chest as if praying. I nodded to him that I understood what he was telling me and returning his smile. “I don’t want to be unkind but I want to inform you so you understand what I am going to tell you based on the tests we have done. Do you understand?” he asked. I slowly nodded to him. I felt cold again. Scared again.“The recent scan has shown that the cancer hasn’t spread, or grown bigger. This is good news. However we have been monitoring your heart and we have recorded irregularities. We have grave concerns about this” he said shifting in the seat and leaning forward. Hands now clasped and rested on his knees. “Do you understand me Jack?” he added.I nodded. “From what I can determine, and reading between the lines, my cancer will eventually kill me but my heart will stop way before then?” I replied.Dr Crusic nodded back at me, there was a genuine sadness in his eyes. Or maybe it was merely a reflection of my own. We sat there in silence for minutes.“We have an excellent counsellor here on Summersome, if you feel that you need to talk someone about this Jack, I can heartily recommend her. She will be able to help you. Would you like me to ask her to stop by tomorrow morning?” he asked standing up and making his way to the door.He stopped at the open doorway and looked at me waiting for a reply.“Yes, I would like you to do that please. Can I ask you something before you go?” I asked.“Sure, how can I help?” he said closing the door and sitting back down opposite me. “I’ve had…very vivid hallucinations in the past, mostly induced by the morphine. Are we having this conversation real world or are you, everything right now nothing more than an hallucination?” Again, there was a sadness in his eyes. It was definitely there but of course if this was another illusion of mine then it was nothing more than something I had created. “Jack, I understand why you would ask a question such as this. It is hard to comprehend or accept ones own passing, far easier for you to think that this conversation never happened. Dr Hardy, our counsellor would be able to help you with this and many other emotions and questions that you may have now and in the days ahead. I really think you should speak with her” he replied.I nodded to him, didn’t feel anything else needed to be said. “Is there anything else I can help with or get you before I go Jack?”“No thank you doctor, I’m okay I think” I replied.“I will check back on you in three days time, it was good to meet you Jack. Of course, should you need anything make sure to ring your room bell and one of the nurses will be right with you. Good bye” he said. Then he was gone the door slowly closing behind him.I returned to looking out of the window, the rain was now much heavier and drumming against the windows. Rivulets of silvery beads battering the glass then finally falling away leaving no wake. I resumed my music application on my laptop, Visage Fade to Grey started playing quietly. Another knock at my door and the nurse cheerfully asking to take my vitals. Blood pressure, a device they put over my finger, still not sure what that measures. Then the prick test. She asks me which finger and I hold my ring finger to her. Sharp pain and then she’s saying goodbye and out of the door. Laying back on the bed and pulling the blankets over me, I was lost in my thoughts and closed my eyes. I felt a slight pressure on my shoulder, opening my eyes there was a nurse standing over me. Still very much drowsy I offered my arm to her. “Jack it’s okay I’m Dr Hardy, I’m a counsellor. Dr Crusic asked me to stop in to see you before I left as he was concerned.”She was leaning slightly towards me smiling. She continued to rest her hand on my shoulder, reassuring me. Dish water blonde tied up, down I imagined scrambled yellow hair cascading over her shoulders. She had tattoos down her arms, her ears pierced several times with hoops and studs. She had grey green eyes, not cold though. Petite but not a waif. I would guess she was late twenties, possibly a youthful early thirties. She had an energy to her, one that I could well imagine would be contagious. “I wanted to introduce myself and ask whether I could have a chat with you tomorrow at eleven o’clock?” she asked. This felt like a real experience, that she was really there. However I have been greatly deceived by my mind before as I have mentioned. Another knock at the door and the nurse came in again cheerfully announcing it was time to check the vitals. I asked her that she had only just done that hadn’t she, I mean it felt like only fifteen minutes since I had last seen her.“Oh bless you, two hours ago Jack, you had fallen asleep” the nurse replied as she wrapped the sleeve around my arm. Turning to Dr Hardy, “that’s fine doctor, eleven o’clock tomorrow is perfect for me. As you can see I have busy schedule here each day but I’m sure my eleven slot is clear” I said jokingly.“It’s a date, I will leave you with Claire and I will see you at eleven. Good bye Jack”. Dr Hardy left the room, pausing at the door to glance back at me and smile. Nurse Claire had been talking to me but I hadn’t heard a word of it.“Sorry Claire, I was miles away, what did you say?”“My son listens to this band, he used to play this song all time when he was a teenager. Lovestruck teenager” she said raising her eyebrows and sighing.“It’s Marillion and the song is Cinderella Search” I said.“Yes of course, Marillion. I remember now. He would sit up in his room listening to this song endlessly.” She pauses for a moment. “Vitals are all good Jack, it will be Chloe taking over for the night checks. Have a good evening” and with that she was out of the door.“Welcome to the Circus” I said to myself and went back to staring out of the window. Neither one of us (wants to be the first to say goodbye) drifted lazily around the room. I pulled the blankets up to my chin and closed my eyes. I could hear the rain pelting the windows once more, it was going to be a long night. The room went silent. Shouting from somewhere on the ward startled me. The toilet opposite my room flushed. The noise of a drip trolley gliding over the tiled floor. The heavy footfall of someone in the corridor. Screaming. The incessant beating of the rain against the windows. The thunderous sound of a crash trolley being wheeled outside in the corridor. The screaming came to an abrupt halt. The sound of something metallic hitting the floor. I pulled the blankets tighter around me.If you enjoy this content, please consider buying me a coffee at www.buymeacoffee.com/grifandesqz- Thank you.I am diagnosed with terminal stage 4 colon cancer that has metastasised to my liver. I now have Type 1 or Type 2 diabetes and as a result of the colon cancer, I have an ileostomy called Elvis. |
| 撮影日 | 2022-03-11 19:35:45 |
| 撮影者 | SLR Jester |
| タグ | |
| 撮影地 | |
| カメラ | Canon EOS 7D , Canon |
| 露出 | f/4.0 |
| 開放F値 | f/4.0 |
| 焦点距離 | 50 mm |